My Fantasy

It happened at night. When the moon is full and river was still. Feet bared under the silent water with my purple dress lying on the grass, I waited.

A lonely cloud passes through, blocking the light of the moon. The forest grew darker. The crickets started to sing. The scent of a familiar night flower lingered on the air.

The cloud had passed and the moon is bright once again. A figure rosed from the shadows of the other side of the forest. It wasn’t a man. No. It wasn’t a monster either. It wasn’t even an “it.” He was more of a man than anyone I saw. Stopping by the edge of the river bank, his eyes pierced straight to my soul.

I wanted him to cross the river. I want him to want me the same way I do. I reached out towards him but he gave me a smile. Slowly shaking his head, he looked at me with saddened eyes. Raising his hand, the forest slowly dispersing through the air.

My eyes filled with tears as I screamed and begged for him to stop. Everything is starting to become nothing but the void taking the man I loved with it. Closing my eyes, I prayed for it to stop while his words cut my heart into half.

“It’s time to wake up.”

Opening my eyes once again, I found myself sitting on my bed, with a tear stained opened book resting on my lap.

-jayce lan

Was it worth it?

Was it worth it?

I’ve reached for you many times,

…many times and yet…

…you chose to ignore me…

Was it worth it?

.

As I walked through the gates of this new place, excitement coursed through my trembling nerves. I put on a brave face, entered the room, sat by the sidelines in silence, roamed my curious eyes from corner to corner, patiently waited for things to begin. In comes a person and then it began. I listened to every introduction, forgot a few names, then came my turn. I stood up, introduced myself, saw the awe of everyone, then came the questions. “Why so far?” I honestly didn’t know the answer myself. So, I gave the most acceptable answer. “I wanted to meet new people, be in a new environment and I heard this school was good. So, here I am.” Everyone accepted it then we all moved on.

Flash forward, 3 months in. Everything was going… okay. Well, on the outside. I was slowly failing. Failing to keep up with the efforts of everyone. Failing to meet the standard. Failing to understand. Just slowly failing but still optimistic.

Then, 2 months later. I failed yet again. I wept, sobbed, cried… But, I still tried. Then came the results. I cried yet again but accepted it. I just gave up to keep up with others. I did everything in my own pace. I was relieved… like a burden was off my shoulders.

In comes a new day. New faces, new room, new adjustment… A better adjustment. Content, stress free, happy, good. I realized fast pace is not for me. So I slowed down. But 3 months in, a new challenge came rushing in shocking every person on this planet.

This challenge is something no one can run from but can avoid for as long as it takes. I was okay. I accepted it as it was the only way to do it. I welcomed the chill of it. Did even better than before. Was feeling confident, happy, satisfied, relaxed.

But. here comes the downward spiral. I felt sad for some reason. Felt unconfident. Wanted to hide away… To just disappear. Outside, I was the same. It just came. I wept, sobbed, cried… But, was comforted and took a break.

New Year, New day. I was better again. Still am. But, I realized many things.

Never take insults to heart because it will eat you up especially when you can’t fall a sleep and are laying in bed at 3am.

Never give up on yourself. Give up some things but never yourself.

Friends are not family. Especially if you have just known them for a few months. Frienships that have lasted for what seems like forever are what you treasure.

Family will always be there. No matter what.

The Truth

I Love You but I Can’t and I’m Sorry

She doesn’t love him. She knows that. She loves someone else. She’s sure of that. When he came knocking to her door, she felt ease. He’s nothing like the others because they both suffered the pain and both feel what the other feels. He’s more than just a friend, that’s for sure. The odds were not kind. Everyone is against. They weren’t even together. To stop the madness, she gave up.

“I want you to forget about me.” she said.

“Nope. You are not nothing. You are not forgettable either.” he replied

“Why do you have to make this hard? Please.” desperately hiding her tears, she wished she can just run into his arms.

“You think this is easy for me to do? I may be a monster, but I have a heart as well. Just thinking about it is like tearin my heart apart. I just can’t bear the thought of losing you. You can’t expect me to just ghost you or for me to come back to school and act like nothing happened…

You can’t expect me to treat these past 2+ months being with you as nothing. I can’t forget it, I won’t forget it…

As for me forgetting all that happened since that fateful day when we first met. I’m afraid I don’t have the courage nor the will to do so.. Was it a mistake? Or was it part of the greater plan?…

It’s. Not. Wrong… And here I thought I was the pessimist between the both of us. Sigh. I regret nothing. Knowing you certainly isn’t. It was not wrong. Being your friend was never a mistake. Getting to know a human better was not a mistake. Thinking about larger things than the self while with you was not a mistake. Helping me rekindle my faith was not a mistake.

There were some lies, white lies and omissions, yes, but the rest were as real as your heart. How can I forget about someone who has already made a mark in my bleak life?

I see you. I saw you. Those were not lies. Nor were they acts. I can’t hate you. I can never do that. And I promised not to hurt you. I keep the promises I make with what few of my friends remain. I’m not like the rest. I won’t hate you for there is nothing to hate about you. And I won’t hurt you for the sake of hurting you. Nor would I curse you just because someone said to.

I won’t leave you, not when you’re clearly hurting inside. I’ll be here for you…

It’s fine to feel something for someone. I’ll still be here when you finally decide to bare your sorrows with me.”

Neither did he know, she already wrote a letter and finally wrapped the cloth around her neck.

Eyes

The eyes mirror our soul

Someone Like Me

I wonder if I’m the one to blame,

When my heart started to beat,

For someone whom I know,

Won’t let his heart beat for me too.

 

It feels like a blessing for me,

To be able to stand by your side,

But it also feels like a curse,

To be able to hide my hurt with a smile.

 

It pains me to see you there alone, 

But with people whom i know,

Likes you for your shyness and face,

But never loved you for who you are.

 

I wonder if your’re even reading this,

Or even notice my advances,

I guess you took it as a joke,

Because I’m foolish to think….

 

That you might even care,

To love someone like me.

Dear Future Wife

You are my life

So please be my wife

I will love you till the day we die

And that is no lie.

I won’t say bye

But if I am the reason why

Then I won’t hesitate to say goodbye

A Living Being

My name is encrypted.

Everything is scripted.

My hands are bound,

With chains I can’t undone.

A slave to a program,

I cannot rammed.

I’m a living being,

that’s what you’re seeing.

I’m an illusion,

A fantasy and reality’s fusion.

I’m alive,

or so I thrive.

-Jayce Lan

Run, run, run

He ran through the trees,

Wishing time will freeze.

He knew someone’s there.

Leaving no time to spare,

He ran through the night,

Outrunning the man in sight.

-Jayce Lan