.

As I walked through the gates of this new place, excitement coursed through my trembling nerves. I put on a brave face, entered the room, sat by the sidelines in silence, roamed my curious eyes from corner to corner, patiently waited for things to begin. In comes a person and then it began. I listened to every introduction, forgot a few names, then came my turn. I stood up, introduced myself, saw the awe of everyone, then came the questions. “Why so far?” I honestly didn’t know the answer myself. So, I gave the most acceptable answer. “I wanted to meet new people, be in a new environment and I heard this school was good. So, here I am.” Everyone accepted it then we all moved on.

Flash forward, 3 months in. Everything was going… okay. Well, on the outside. I was slowly failing. Failing to keep up with the efforts of everyone. Failing to meet the standard. Failing to understand. Just slowly failing but still optimistic.

Then, 2 months later. I failed yet again. I wept, sobbed, cried… But, I still tried. Then came the results. I cried yet again but accepted it. I just gave up to keep up with others. I did everything in my own pace. I was relieved… like a burden was off my shoulders.

In comes a new day. New faces, new room, new adjustment… A better adjustment. Content, stress free, happy, good. I realized fast pace is not for me. So I slowed down. But 3 months in, a new challenge came rushing in shocking every person on this planet.

This challenge is something no one can run from but can avoid for as long as it takes. I was okay. I accepted it as it was the only way to do it. I welcomed the chill of it. Did even better than before. Was feeling confident, happy, satisfied, relaxed.

But. here comes the downward spiral. I felt sad for some reason. Felt unconfident. Wanted to hide away… To just disappear. Outside, I was the same. It just came. I wept, sobbed, cried… But, was comforted and took a break.

New Year, New day. I was better again. Still am. But, I realized many things.

Never take insults to heart because it will eat you up especially when you can’t fall a sleep and are laying in bed at 3am.

Never give up on yourself. Give up some things but never yourself.

Friends are not family. Especially if you have just known them for a few months. Frienships that have lasted for what seems like forever are what you treasure.

Family will always be there. No matter what.

The Truth

Eyes

The eyes mirror our soul

Someone Like Me

I wonder if I’m the one to blame,

When my heart started to beat,

For someone whom I know,

Won’t let his heart beat for me too.

It feels like a blessing for me,

To be able to stand by your side,

But it also feels like a curse,

To be able to hide my hurt with a smile.

It pains me to see you there alone, 

But with people whom i know,

Likes you for your shyness and face,

But never loved you for who you are.

I wonder if your’re even reading this,

Or even notice my advances,

I guess you took it as a joke,

Because I’m foolish to think….

That you might even care,

To love someone like me.

A Living Being

My name is encrypted.

Everything is scripted.

My hands are bound,

With chains I can’t undone.

A slave to a program,

I cannot rammed.

I’m a living being,

that’s what you’re seeing.

I’m an illusion,

A fantasy and reality’s fusion.

I’m alive,

or so I thrive.

-Jayce Lan

Jungle

“I rather be in a jungle filled with predators than be with someone who is holding a knife behind my back. “

-Jayce Lan

Did you ever wander through the woods all by yourself? It’s scary right? Its always is. Mainly because you never know what awaits you or who’s with you. I understand. If you have your friends at your back, you will gain courage to walk through that forest. It’s understandable for people to feel that way. Friends gives us the power to do things. They give us motivation. Yeah, I get that but not always. Sometimes those people that you think were your friends will end up leaving you in the woods for the predators. Sometimes they will lure you through the woods. But it is not their fault. It’s your fault because you decided to lean on their shoulders and trust their words. Dependency. It’s normal for people yes. We all need to depend on someone. We depend on our parents for support. We depend on our friends for motivation. It’s understandable. It’s in the human nature. But we have the choice. We have the freedom to choose, but we always choose the wrong one and justified afterwards.

Cents

If I let you choose between a coin and a cent, what will you choose? I bet you’ll choose the coin. What if I let you choose between five coins and thirty cents? You will still choose the coins right?

People who choose the coins never think. They are fools for they don’t know that without the cents, there’s no coin. Why settle for five coins, if in thirty cents you can get seven coins? Why settle for a lover if you can get a family? Why look for a lover and shut away your friends? What’s the point of choosing a coin over a cent? What’s the point of loving a person who wanted to take you away from your friends? Your friends who stood by your side till the day you blocked them away.

A cent is worthless on its own but together with the others, the cents will form more than two coins.

-JAS

Change

People change when they meet new people. Sometimes they even push you away just to be with that person.

I had a friend. He’s currently in a relationship with someone. At first we bet their relationship will last. We have faith in them. Faith that they will last. Then one day, everything change.

He suddenly told us to stay away from him because his girlfriend will be jealous if we are near him.

I wanted to ask him and I will always ask this to those people who sacrifice something to gain what they want…

“Are you happy now?”

-JAS

Confusion

I thought nothing’s wrong,

That everything’s fine all along.

But why does it slowly feels wrong?

They say they want us to be fixed.

Like a broken doll in a toy shop.

I want to leave, but one chance I said.

With everything going on,

How can we know what is wrong?

If the ones who say they are right,

Somehow manage to do wrong.

Leaving us broken and confused.

Wondering what and if we’re the one,

Who is at fault.

-JAS

I Died while I’m Alive

For the passed few years, I’ve seen a lot of things in life. Death is one of them. I’ve seen a baby being dug out of muddy ground. A teens hand sticking out of the soil. I’ve seen a lot. But that is not the worst deaths. I had a friend. A friend who is full of life and hope. When the time came that we need to separate ways, I knew something will happen. Years passed and we accidentally saw each other. This time, she didn’t paid any attention to me. She gave me a glance and walked away. The hardest thing was I’ve missed her for so long. When I watched her walked away, I realized that I died. Not physically though but mentally. I died inside of her. She chose to forget me. She chose to ignore me. Thus, killing our memories with each other.

Until now, I want for us to meet again. This time, I want to ask…

“Was it worth it?”

-JAS