We Post Anything that We See Beautiful
When your lips curved into a smile, I knew by then it wasn’t because of me.
When you were so happy to spare me a story, it was because she wasn’t there to hear it.
When I stood by your side, I can feel that you wished it was her instead.
When you told me you love her so much, I wanted to say the same.
When you held my hand, I wish it was because you liked to.
When you thanked me for being with you through it all…
That’s when I realized…
…when to let you go
-Jayce Lan
As I walked through the gates of this new place, excitement coursed through my trembling nerves. I put on a brave face, entered the room, sat by the sidelines in silence, roamed my curious eyes from corner to corner, patiently waited for things to begin. In comes a person and then it began. I listened to every introduction, forgot a few names, then came my turn. I stood up, introduced myself, saw the awe of everyone, then came the questions. “Why so far?” I honestly didn’t know the answer myself. So, I gave the most acceptable answer. “I wanted to meet new people, be in a new environment and I heard this school was good. So, here I am.” Everyone accepted it then we all moved on.
Flash forward, 3 months in. Everything was going… okay. Well, on the outside. I was slowly failing. Failing to keep up with the efforts of everyone. Failing to meet the standard. Failing to understand. Just slowly failing but still optimistic.
Then, 2 months later. I failed yet again. I wept, sobbed, cried… But, I still tried. Then came the results. I cried yet again but accepted it. I just gave up to keep up with others. I did everything in my own pace. I was relieved… like a burden was off my shoulders.
In comes a new day. New faces, new room, new adjustment… A better adjustment. Content, stress free, happy, good. I realized fast pace is not for me. So I slowed down. But 3 months in, a new challenge came rushing in shocking every person on this planet.
This challenge is something no one can run from but can avoid for as long as it takes. I was okay. I accepted it as it was the only way to do it. I welcomed the chill of it. Did even better than before. Was feeling confident, happy, satisfied, relaxed.
But. here comes the downward spiral. I felt sad for some reason. Felt unconfident. Wanted to hide away… To just disappear. Outside, I was the same. It just came. I wept, sobbed, cried… But, was comforted and took a break.
New Year, New day. I was better again. Still am. But, I realized many things.
Never take insults to heart because it will eat you up especially when you can’t fall a sleep and are laying in bed at 3am.
Never give up on yourself. Give up some things but never yourself.
Friends are not family. Especially if you have just known them for a few months. Frienships that have lasted for what seems like forever are what you treasure.
Family will always be there. No matter what.
She doesn’t love him. She knows that. She loves someone else. She’s sure of that. When he came knocking to her door, she felt ease. He’s nothing like the others because they both suffered the pain and both feel what the other feels. He’s more than just a friend, that’s for sure. The odds were not kind. Everyone is against. They weren’t even together. To stop the madness, she gave up.
“I want you to forget about me.” she said.
“Nope. You are not nothing. You are not forgettable either.” he replied
“Why do you have to make this hard? Please.” desperately hiding her tears, she wished she can just run into his arms.
“You think this is easy for me to do? I may be a monster, but I have a heart as well. Just thinking about it is like tearin my heart apart. I just can’t bear the thought of losing you. You can’t expect me to just ghost you or for me to come back to school and act like nothing happened…
You can’t expect me to treat these past 2+ months being with you as nothing. I can’t forget it, I won’t forget it…
As for me forgetting all that happened since that fateful day when we first met. I’m afraid I don’t have the courage nor the will to do so.. Was it a mistake? Or was it part of the greater plan?…
It’s. Not. Wrong… And here I thought I was the pessimist between the both of us. Sigh. I regret nothing. Knowing you certainly isn’t. It was not wrong. Being your friend was never a mistake. Getting to know a human better was not a mistake. Thinking about larger things than the self while with you was not a mistake. Helping me rekindle my faith was not a mistake.
There were some lies, white lies and omissions, yes, but the rest were as real as your heart. How can I forget about someone who has already made a mark in my bleak life?
I see you. I saw you. Those were not lies. Nor were they acts. I can’t hate you. I can never do that. And I promised not to hurt you. I keep the promises I make with what few of my friends remain. I’m not like the rest. I won’t hate you for there is nothing to hate about you. And I won’t hurt you for the sake of hurting you. Nor would I curse you just because someone said to.
I won’t leave you, not when you’re clearly hurting inside. I’ll be here for you…
It’s fine to feel something for someone. I’ll still be here when you finally decide to bare your sorrows with me.”
Neither did he know, she already wrote a letter and finally wrapped the cloth around her neck.
I wonder if I’m the one to blame,
When my heart started to beat,
For someone whom I know,
Won’t let his heart beat for me too.
It feels like a blessing for me,
To be able to stand by your side,
But it also feels like a curse,
To be able to hide my hurt with a smile.
It pains me to see you there alone,
But with people whom i know,
Likes you for your shyness and face,
But never loved you for who you are.
I wonder if your’re even reading this,
Or even notice my advances,
I guess you took it as a joke,
Because I’m foolish to think….
That you might even care,
To love someone like me.
“I rather be in a jungle filled with predators than be with someone who is holding a knife behind my back. “
-Jayce Lan
Did you ever wander through the woods all by yourself? It’s scary right? Its always is. Mainly because you never know what awaits you or who’s with you. I understand. If you have your friends at your back, you will gain courage to walk through that forest. It’s understandable for people to feel that way. Friends gives us the power to do things. They give us motivation. Yeah, I get that but not always. Sometimes those people that you think were your friends will end up leaving you in the woods for the predators. Sometimes they will lure you through the woods. But it is not their fault. It’s your fault because you decided to lean on their shoulders and trust their words. Dependency. It’s normal for people yes. We all need to depend on someone. We depend on our parents for support. We depend on our friends for motivation. It’s understandable. It’s in the human nature. But we have the choice. We have the freedom to choose, but we always choose the wrong one and justified afterwards.
“Back home, I was at my best. I have my friends and I was actually doing good at that time. Before I came here, I said to myself that I will be more than what I am. But when I came here, it’s like I’m falling back, one step at a time.”
-JAS
There’s a time when people needs to adapt. For example, a person needs to leave home to study in another place, thinking that everything will be ok. No. Don’t expect that. This is life. It goes up and down. It goes well and worst all the time. It’s like Mother Nature. You can’t control what will happen tomorrow. The only thing you can do is to prepare.
People change when they meet new people. Sometimes they even push you away just to be with that person.
I had a friend. He’s currently in a relationship with someone. At first we bet their relationship will last. We have faith in them. Faith that they will last. Then one day, everything change.
He suddenly told us to stay away from him because his girlfriend will be jealous if we are near him.
I wanted to ask him and I will always ask this to those people who sacrifice something to gain what they want…
“Are you happy now?”
-JAS
For the passed few years, I’ve seen a lot of things in life. Death is one of them. I’ve seen a baby being dug out of muddy ground. A teens hand sticking out of the soil. I’ve seen a lot. But that is not the worst deaths. I had a friend. A friend who is full of life and hope. When the time came that we need to separate ways, I knew something will happen. Years passed and we accidentally saw each other. This time, she didn’t paid any attention to me. She gave me a glance and walked away. The hardest thing was I’ve missed her for so long. When I watched her walked away, I realized that I died. Not physically though but mentally. I died inside of her. She chose to forget me. She chose to ignore me. Thus, killing our memories with each other.
Until now, I want for us to meet again. This time, I want to ask…
“Was it worth it?”
-JAS
“It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.”
―
As kids we often say that we want things to end fast for us to move forward but as we go through the motions we slowly change our minds. We become unsure and slowly want to turn back but we realize that it is now too late. We can neither turn back time nor have time to have regrets for we have NOW and we have to make the most of it.
Day by day, I grow nervous as to how to move forward, to keep going on my own. Every minute I become scared on what to do once I’ve reached that point where I have finished. And every second goes by without me thinking about my siblings, parents, friends, and myself.
Some may not realize this but I am almost done. I am just preparing for the next stage that I have to go to on my own. I do not know what and who is on that stage. All I know is that the present is where I have to give my all, for I can not afford to lose any moment of it. I may never see these people again, I may never have the chance to visit this place again. I may never get the chance to say ‘Thank You’, ‘I’m Sorry’ and ‘I Love You’ to these precious people for they have been a part of my life for 4 years. I have learned a lot from these people. They may be young, old or just like me but they will be irreplaceable.
Things are about to change in just a few short months and I will take each step until that moment where I have to say goodbye and move forward on my own.
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